Used as a joke in Austin Powers, the infamous Carrot Top movie finally sees the light of day, and the world is much worse for wear. A gimmicky prop comic, Carrot Top (aka Scott Thompson), lacks even the range of thespian Pauly Shore, and the film’s meager compliment of jokes fails to even be amusing in a bad way.

Carrot Top stars as Edison, a misunderstood gadget genius. He lives with his two surfing buddies (Mystro Clark and Jack Plotnick), in a shack filled with his failed ideas. One day, he meets an old man (Jack Warden) with a shared love for inventions and surfing.

Little does Edison know that the man is really Armand McMillan, chairman of McMillan Industries, and sooner than you can run screaming from the theater, Armand kicks the bucket and leaves his company to Edison. Of course, this doesn’t sit well with Armand’s nephew, Bradford (Larry Miller), who has been scheming to sell off the company to a competitor (Raquel Welch).

Soon, Edison is using the company to produce his wacky ideas while he romances his co-worker, Natalie (Courtney Thorne-Smith). Meanwhile, Bradford does his best to eliminate Edison and destroy the company.

Carrot Top has managed to create a film rarity: a good guy you want to throttle every time he appears onscreen. His only saving grace is that the film is chock full of characters nearly as annoying. Of the cast, only Jack Warden and Courtney Thorne-Smith survive with only their dignity stained.

The plot of Chairman of the Board is familiar and tired. There’s not a single twist that you couldn’t see coming from the opening credits. That leaves the jokes. Even in a film as hopeless as this one, a few moments of humor could have been hidden here or there. Nope. That’s not the case. The film’s pathetic attempts are so brainless that they’re too stupid to be considered stupid-but-funny.

If you feel a hankering to run out and see Chairman of the Board, you ought to swallow a handful of thumbtacks. It will be less painful in the long run.